"What's gucci bro! I say this with love, but hit the gym. Lmao" is the message I sent to my friend via Instagram DM. This person was one of my housemates back in college. He was also one of my fraternity brothers.
Were we close? Not really. But, I felt that we had enough of a connection that I could say something like that to him.
Turns out, he read my message but never responded. This had me feeling pretty bad, like maybe I had said something offensive or insensitive.
Let me explain why I made that comment.
As I was browsing social media, I noticed he had appeared to gain some weight. Specifically his face looked chubby. It was enough of a difference to notice is my point.
Now, my assumption was that he didn't WANT to be chubby. But, like people do (myself included), we gain weight sometimes for various reasons - stress, life transitions, not caring in general, etc.
My intention was that my DM would ultimately get him in action to lose weight. And my expectation was that he'd reply to my message with something like "lmao fuuuck I know bro" or a "lmao fuck you bitch!"
The nature of my comment was both playful and straightforward. But, it's possible that didn't translate. Like I said, I'm not particularly close with this fellow and we hadn't talked in literally years.
When I discovered he read the message but didn't reply, I was triggered. His silence brought me back to the days when my dad was mad at me and gave me the cold shoulder. Back then, my little 7 year old heart couldn't take it.
From those childhood experiences, I developed this story that I was wrong for expressing myself. That if I ever say or do things that trigger people, I am wrong. My strategy to overcome this feeling was to apologize and suppress myself.
Literally, as I was triggered today, I became a shell of myself. I was in my head. My chest and throat tightened. It's not my favorite experience to deal with.
8 hours after sending that DM, I couldn't help but write a follow up message. I said something to the effect of "I'm sorry."
I really had to reflect on my first message. In reality, I had no fucking idea what my friend is going through in life right now. My mind started to open up.
Cause...what if he's ALREADY going to the gym? I don't know the details of his life. What if he's depressed? What if he was diagnosed with an illness that he hasn't shared, that's caused a weight gain? What if he WANTS to be chubby or doesn't give a fuck at all.
I had essentially judged what appeared to be chubbiness, and assumed that he wanted to lose it.
I'm 100% happy I sent the initial message. I wanted to see what would happen. In hindsight, I would have opened up a conversation before saying something like "you're getting chubby, lose weight."
And...I guess be a little more sensitive, or rather, curious and get some facts before start making assumptions and sharing my two cents.
Cause the honest truth is I felt like an asshole and a self-righteous prick. It felt good to express it at first, but not so good when it possibly rubbed him off the wrong way. Cause my intention wasn't just to be an asshole, it was to inspire action. BUT, it was ultimately my agenda that I was serving, not this friend's agenda.
If anything, THAT'S what "went wrong."
Anyways.
It dawned on me today that it's possible some people consciously choose to have fat. And that terms like "chubby." And that being fat, whether it's 10 lbs or 50 lbs, is okay. That there's nothing inherently wrong with being fat. And that it's possible to be fat and be happy.
And it's also possible to be fat and love yourself. Similarly, it's possible for people to be fat and for me to love them.
Cause I'll be honest, I do tend to judge people that are not in shape. Not that they are less or don't deserve love per se. But compared to someone who's in shape, there's something about people who are not in shape that don't get equal credit to those who are. That's some inner BS that I'm reflecting on as we speak.
My story is that if most people could be in relatively healthy shape, and still enjoy their lifestyle without food or rest deprivation, they would do it. I honestly can't imagine a reality where people would rather choose being overweight versus being in shape. But again, that's just me and how I've programmed myself to think.
What the lesson may be here is this: Love the person underneath the body first, address issues on the surface second.
Cause, really, at the end of the day we're just souls interacting with one another. And that being in shape, or any other "self-help" topic like money or relationships, is fucking toothpicks compared to the importance of supporting one another on a spiritual level.
Meaning, it is a primary value of mine to give a damn about another person's soul.
ANYWAYS. I'm done talking about this for now. I don't expect this post to be one of those "all-time" great posts, but if you got something out of this I'm glad.
This was one of those "I just need to process this for my own sanity" type blog posts. Thanks for humoring me, yall!
Much love,
GS
