As with previous “journal” type blog posts, this post is mostly for my own therapy and enjoyment. Hope it finds you well. At the very least, entertaining and insightful about me. Peace.
As I feel my toes pressing against the newly acquired rug on the floor of my home office, I realize it (the rug) is representative of the next chapter of my life. Boy, was THAT a try hard sentence, haha.
Let’s start over.
I’m having a great time. A great time living my life. A great time detaching myself as best I can from the future, the past, and any and all identities that seem to hinder my underlying free spirit.
By “free spirit” I don’t mean the ole cliche saying “free spirit.” I mean, literally, my spirit is free by default, as is yours. It is when I get attached to anything of the mind (of form), that things just don’t feel right.
I won’t even justify or explain what I mean by that.
Point is, I enjoy the experience of my life best not when the outside is what I want to look like, but when the inside is.
Don’t get me wrong. The outside is extremely important to me. In fact, now that the inside is at a satisfactory level, the outside is even more intriguing. But, the outside is nothing without the inside, at least to me.
A theme I’m seeing lately is the challenge of being present (detached) while life continues to press up against my ever changing identity.
Meaning, even though I’ve “reached” a very gratifying place internally, it is something I must continue to nurture and grow in. Meaning, I’m not “done” when it comes to learning more lessons.
That said, I acknowledge how fucking far I’ve come and the work I’ve done to get here. Inside and out. Props to me.
On that note, it’s also clear to me that the level of appreciation, celebration, and acknowledgment I really want can only be provided by me in a sustainable fashion.
As we’ve discovered early on in this journey, if I depend on other people for love and appreciation solely, I will run dry. It just doesn’t last. It’s like chasing a carrot on a stick. I’ll simply never get there.
So I guess the next best move is to create the possibility of being self-fulfilled, self-loved, and self-appreciated.
And, I think even further, it is to create the possibility of being connected to the Most High. Cause that’s REALLY where the possibility of self-sustained love comes from. At least that’s what I sense. I don’t know if I’m right, which is not the point.
I just acknowledge that the type of love, gratitude, and detached being I’m speaking to does not come from a human place. It’s beyond anything I can produce from a human stand point. It is divine. Unexplainable. Unknowable. Yet, when in the presence of, the most familiar thing I’ve ever known.
Again, can’t explain this one either.
All I can sense is that something much bigger is in control of it all. And, as a human, I’ll go through my “ups and downs” as it takes me left, right, over and under.
And that my happiness is my responsibility. Happiness as in my mindful practices and being in control of what I can control - my body, my mind, my emotional reactions, my awareness states.
And, at times, it makes me sad that only a select few, and I mean a SELECT FEW, can understand what the fuck I’m talking about and how I see the world (as well as my Self).
And at times it feels quite the burden to live this life path. But, at the same time, I’m completely honored and game for the position I’m in. I’ve seen too much to ignore it.
So, although the majority may not understand, it is a blessing to not need them to understand. I believe I’ve matured enough spiritually, emotionally, and mentally to manage my own inner cup.
Cause, we have full access to both the cup and the water. We don’t need anyone or anything else. And that, right there, is what I hope for my fellow humans to see.
Nowhere to get.
Nobody to become.
It is all right Here.
