Table of Contents:
The Genesis Of This Blog Post (what I was doing before I wrote this)
Success Isn't Enough For My Soul
Love: The Missing Element
Trading Success For Love Is A Losing Game
Letting Go Of Achieving Love & Attention Through Success
The Genesis Of This Blog Post (what I was doing before I wrote this)
I'm not typically up at this hour these days. However, I fell asleep around 10pm watching the Dodgers play the Diamondbacks, and woke up on the couch around 2:30am. The two thoughts I immediately had upon waking up were (1) did the Dodgers win? and (2) should I do my evening ritual still?
Looking back, the second question is what I would consider a "crappy" question. Putting my thinking cap on, and critiquing my own question creativity in that moment, what the heck kind of a question is "should I do _____ still?" Granted, that was the default way in which the question came out. Meaning, I don't really care that it was a "crappy" question to ask myself. Still, it's fascinating that that is the question that came to my head, and is actually how a lot of my default questions are phrased throughout the day.
See! Even I am human and can use some of my own advice, haha. If you want to read more on the impact of creating quality questions vs crappy ones, click here.
For those wondering, the answer to those two questions I asked upon waking up were (1) the Dodgers lost in the 14th inning and (2) yes, I should do my evening ritual - and I did.
Shortly after completing my evening ritual, which only takes 15-20 minutes if done with focused intention, I pondered the possibility of starting my day already. Although I'm still up, it's a 95% probability I will go back to sleep for at least a couple more hours. That hasn't stopped me from playing one game of Fortnite, browsing social media, and getting ahead of my day by creating this blog post now instead of later.
Anyways, that's the context of how this blog post was born. Now onto the stuff I really want to share.
Success Isn't Enough For My Soul
Something I'm noticing about my inner world is that a lot of my agenda and big goals have previously been, and currently are, fueled by selfish desires.
For example, for years now I've had goals of making tons of money, attracting the hottest women, and being the most confident man in the room. There's nothing wrong with those goals. In fact, I'd say they're extremely typical for a guy my age - or any person of any age I suppose. What's been particularly obvious lately, is that the intention to create all those goals has to do with wanting to look good to the world and mask the identity of insecurity that I've held onto for a long time.
At the same time, I've noticed that the intention of achieving these goals to put up a front has a limiting sense of inspiration, motivation, and ultimately fruition of those goals.
Said another way, the desire to make tons of money, attract the hottest women, and be the most confident man in the room, all just to look good and compensate for an insecure state of being, literally is not enough for me to actually achieve those goals. It's just not going to do it.
Fortunately, I think that's a blessing in disguise - or right in front of my face, really.
Seeing this "hidden agenda" come to light, what I've been asking myself lately, or really just seeking, is a new agenda, a new intention to fuel these goals. One which is much bigger than my selfish desire to look good and feel a false sense of security.
The "best" intention I've come to thus far is the following: "As I grow, so will others grow."
At the very least, this intention includes the benefit of others in a positive way. Still, it doesn't quite FIRE me up.
It really has me questioning if I really want those things anymore. I mean...I do...but to fulfill the intention of looking good and showing off just isn't enough - as I've said many times already.
For example, I'm consistently losing body fat ever since I started training with the Elite24 Athletes. When I started I was about 20% bf. Now I'm around 16 or 17% I'd say. My face has thinned out and my abs are slightly visible when I flex. I look good, seriously.
However, although my body is transforming, it's quite an empty transformation. Meaning, although I LOOK good, that identity of being insecure is just as prominent as it was when I was not looking as good physically.
I'm not alarmed, and I definitely prefer being physically attractive and taking care of myself than not, but something is clearly missing in my day to day lifestyle, that getting money, being fit, and getting more attention isn't fulfilling on.
Love: The Missing Element
What I feel is missing is a sense of genuine love for others and a connection to their soul with my own.
I don't judge myself for a lack of love or connection with others. It's more common to be disconnected and closed than it is open, especially when out in the public. It is what is missing in my day to day though, at least part of what's missing.
I used to think personal success, and my capability of it, is what makes me special or significant. I still think that at times, don't get me wrong - and there's nothing wrong with thinking that or using that as fuel for self-esteem. Like I've been saying, it's becoming more and more empty for me.
Trading Success For Love Is A Losing Game
It's as if success for success sake isn't doing much. Or "worse", success for praise or validation isn't doing much either. It feels good to be validated and acknowledged for my success, sure. And it feels good to be celebrated, of course. But those feelings are crumbs compared to the feeling I believe that I'd get if I were to come from a place of genuine love for others, and soul-to-soul connection.
What's different between the two intentions is that the first is an exchange of my personal success for love. And there's no love giving to others. The second is an exchange of love for nothing, or I guess, or the possibility of love back. But it's much less about getting love for an exchange, and much more about wanting to love people - period.
And not because they have what I want, or are physically attractive, or I want their attention and validation, but because underneath our physical appearances and social statuses, there's a fucking soul, that when recognized and connected with, is what makes me feel really alive and generates a sense of fulfillment and release from my human suffering that no amount of tangible success could replace.
Letting Go Of Achieving Love & Attention
We grow up believing that some type of success is what generates the love and worthiness our soul desires. Therefore, many of us seek to create a life that is one of great success. Although we get a certain amount of love and worthiness from that, deep down it's not enough. But instead of addressing the root issue, which is that we're exchanging success for love, we go for MORE success.
As I've said, there's nothing wrong with success. In fact, I think tangible success is equally as important to internal success. The combination of the two is what I'm driven to create for myself and what fuels my deep purpose and mission: To be fulfilled internally and succeed externally, and help others do the same. That said, what I'm seeing is that internal fulfillment and external success are two separate things, of which neither can be replaced by the other.
I will keep all of this in mind moving forward. I'm in no rush to find an answer. What I will implement as a place holder, until that answer reveals itself, is more giving for the sake of making others feel good or feel loved and acknowledged. Not so that they like me or that I'm a good boy in God's eyes (or whoever's eyes). Low key the intention is a little selfish. I want to give more love so that I can start to feel the love and connection that's been missing in my life.
Caring more about the soul than the ego. Willing to be a vulnerable, open soul than a guarded, image based ego looking for attention. Nothing wrong with either, just looking for something...else.
Even now, as I'm going through this blog post turned self-therapy, I can feel a sense of peace - a letting go of something that has kept me wound up. Letting go of having to succeed in order to feel that I can rest. Letting go of having to succeed in order to get something, or get somewhere. A resistance to action has subsided. Replaced by calmness and presence - for the time being. And on this note I will end this blog post.
Thank you all for reading. I look forward to what this blog post creates for my future as well as yours.
Cheers!
Gabriel Santos
